Advice to the Weary

When I'm about to ask someone out,
I make sure to leave my fly undone
so they don't
think that I'm prude
or boring.

Typically,
I avoid staring
directly at a woman's breasts,
but if I do,
and if she catches me,
I'll tell her that they'd look like eyes if she took off her shirt--
and then who'd be staring at whom?

I make a big deal about men with breasts
and hairy chests;
I call these sorts of racks
camel-backs--
they're much more frequent
than the testicular camel toe,
which is a premeditated sort of thing,
or a thing for men
with very tight jeans
(or very large balls, I suppose).

Several years of failure have taught me
that you shouldn't ask them if their face is swollen
even if it actually is.

Really, don't remove a flask
from your jacket
and pour vodka all over your salad
unless you think
they'll think
it's funny;
if they don't,
laugh about it--

"It's a joke! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

--

And immediately order another salad,
"This time, no olives,"
even if it didn't have olives to begin with.
Tell them,
"Olive you,"
and repeat, slowly,
"Ah-luv Yiu!"