To shock the girl sitting next to me (at the pubic library)...(Draft)

How do you feel

When the short Asian man
at the urinal to your left
begins to twitch like a vibrator
and beat off,
screaming,

"Yeah momma-momma!
Momma yeah!"

?

Or when the guy sitting next to you
in lecture
suffers a sphincter rebellion
and audibly lines the inside of his trousers
with a frothy mix of Chic-Fillet and Natural Light

?

Or when the drunken homeless man
succumbs to gravity
face first
and spits a brownish-green tooth
into your triple espresso

? ("Goal!" he shouts
with his hand on his forehead.)

I
feel
like writin' some poems.

My shadow ran off
with another woman.

It scribbled a note on the back of a receipt
from Movie Gallery--
something about takin' off for the equator
and my lamp being too dim.

What a fucking slut.

(Draft)

I'm walking down the sidewalk

and I'm thinking about:

1) How cold it's been the past few days...
in weather like this,
I can't really get much thinking done
outdoors.

2) How quickly my dick would shrink
if I removed it from my pants
(like a time lapse of a dying flower, I bet--speedy!11!)

3) Oddly enough, the size of Socrates' dick.
Did Socrates have a big dick? A big ole' honkin' dick?
And if he did,
did he know that he had it?
Did he ever stop at a pond
and casually admire its reflection?

I want to laugh so badly!
My desire to laugh is tethered to all the bodily tools I need
to produce the sound,
quick-release and all.
Just flick it or something--
fuck if I know.

Art (Draft)

I.
The artist could tell that
he'd worried the crowd.

II.
The elderly couple clung
to each other desperately
inside
the large, black cage,
which hung from a tree
ten feet above the ground.

III.
Why the hell are they naked?
Was the most popular question of the day.

It frustrated the artist
that people were missing the point.

"This way we know they're not carrying any weapons.
A full cavity search was performed
before the show,
so don't bother asking."

"Are they dangerous?" asked an overweight man
in a Hawaiian shirt.

"Only if you get too close," the artist chided.

"And if the cage falls?"

"Then we're in trouble.
Their bodies are withered,
but their spirits are strong.
They'd drag the cage across the ground, I bet."

The artist pointed to a four-by-four array of toilets below the cage.

"But I've attempted to mitigate this danger.
You see, none of them have been flushed in quite some time."

From the back of the crowd,
a woman cried,
"I should hope that you'll refund us
if excrement gets all over the place!"

The artist glared.
"Absolutely not.
I told you to bring your raincoats!"

IV.
The activist wanted to know
if any animals had been harmed
preparing the exhibit.

"Only one," the artist responded.

"Oh? Which kind of animal?
Oh, don't worry--
I forgive you!
Everything was..."

"A dog," the artist interrupted.

"Good heavens!"

"He was in the road,
you see...
and,
well,
when I got this idea--
the idea for this whole thing--
I lost control of my car."

The activist cleared her throat.
"Was it
an Afghan Hound?"
she asked, spilling coffee on her blouse.

"Of course not."

V.
Stagnant urine
begins to glow
in a month or so
because of all its phosphorus.

The artist discovered this after the show,
sipping tea.

The pond froze over
with the geese still in it.
You can see their heads poking out.

Doeg (or Ruff Times)

Technically
your life
ended with that not-so-loyal dog-

That bad ow' doeg

But really,
your life ended with the newspaper's pun-
Ruff Times.

I hate to laugh at the dead,
but really,
who knew a dog could shoot a pistol?

Don't you wish it had been
Dog the Bounter Hunter?

My Loyal Pet

I do
Keep a pet rat,

So

It’s not only safe
But fair
To say
That I am involved in rat fancy.

And she is a very fancy rat,
What with her top hat
And her taste for raspberry-flavored yogurt chips.

But she does eat her own shit.

Grandpa Morse
Managed
To spell

P
R
I
V
A
T
E
S

In our game of scrabble,

And

After much

Hep-Hep-Heping

…

He said:

“It works on two levels” –

And it does.

He was an
ARMY MAN

(BOOM--
BOOM--
KABOOM--
BITCH!) . . .

ZOMG
Za-ohm-guh:
“Zo” my gawd.

Or…

Zoomg
Zoom-guh:
Go, gawd! Go!

Lenny the Crackhead
Is a man
That lives every moment of his life
As if he has,
In a forest,
Stepped on a twig
And been thrown
Suddenly
Off-balance.

For Christmas,
He received from his brother
A certain
Manila folder—
One which
Contained
Several hundred parking tickets
And a letter explaining that
“Things
Have simply become
Too complicated.”

And by too complicated,
He certainly meant to say
Too Expensive.

He paid his brother’s
Fines;
Drained his bank account
And
His fish tank (which cost him
Nearly $19 a month
To maintain).

Now
His interest in rocks
Is strictly
Stratigraphic.

If
Dropping out of college
Is in style,
Then I
Am most certainly
Not
In style.

I am,
However,
In
Some rather
Comfortable
Panties.

Obviously
You meant something
Completely different
When you asked me to purchase
A social lubricant
For the party.

Now
What am I supposed to do
With this
Pearly-white jug?

If
Christmas ornaments
Come
Out of your twat
When you queef,
Then
Your problem
Is much greater
Than mine.

Grandpa
Always

Wondered
Why the penguins
In Antarctica
Never froze solid
Like popsicles.

He went there
To figure things out for himself.

He returned several months later
Tormented
And
Confused
And
Assured us
That it had
Nothing at all
To do with his penis

Which had broken off
On the third day.

It Do It Good Like

You say
Can't teach a ho' the internet

But I beg to differ.

I done it four times!

But maybe
It doesn't count
Cus' it was the same ho' all four times

And she puts all those trojans
on my 'puter

Instead of
my penis.

mmmmmmmmmf

Learn about recent discoveries in
drunken mature moms with dildo?

Must you?

A reliable method of
mmmmmf mmmmf mmmmmmmmmf
interracial sex
with
pigtailed teenies?

You need it?

Girls Gone Wild: Farm Edition?
Girls Gone Hog-Wild??

I don't need your
[sic]
balck dcik cuoplse!!!!!!!!!

I've got mouths to feed
AND
A house to pay for
AND
a whole trunk of good, clean
shit
in the attic.

Must I?
And by the way,
Mr. T.S.,
if he won't eat that peach,
some of these guys most certainly will.

Aya!!

Aya!!
Shouted the ninja.



Ungh!
Groaned the fat man
as he battled

A BIG OLE' TURD!



And the stalls came

Crashing

Down.